Changed

Written by: Tom Cantor

First line: Many of us have dark secrets that we want to conceal from others.

Why you should read this book: You should not. This book is appropriate only for lining bird cages or, in a pinch, as fireplace tinder if you can't find a more wholesome fuel, because even inhaling this content in particulate form is probably a bad idea. The nicest thing I can say about this book is that it appears to have been professionally proofread, so kudos to whoever did that work for hire without vomiting on the manuscript.

Why you shouldn't read this book:  I don't normally review irredeemable books, but I was surprised to find a less worthy and more egotistical tome than John Bolton's memoir, and this is a public service to spare others the discomfort of wondering what is inside this crime against paper, ink, glue, humanity, and the US Postal Service. 

Changed is a self-published biography whose author chose to waste millions of dollars to not only print his grotesque vanity project, but to forcefully distribute it to unsuspecting and non-consenting people, primarily those of Jewish heritage, through the US mail. Its content is misogynist and antisemitic, and its author, who claims to draw strength from Christianity, completely misses the point of Christianity, which is obvious when you consider how much money he spent on self-aggrandizement when millions of Americans are desperate for food and housing and he could have actually made a real difference in the world and shared Christ's values by giving that money to a food bank. I received my unsolicited copy in the mail, determined the bizarre nature of the package via lazyweb, and then subjected myself to its 85 pages of large print out of morbid curiosity. Based on my informal survey of other Jewish people who received this unwanted tripe, 99+% of these books go directly to the recycling bin or the trash. This asshole has spent a small fortune and burned countless fossil fuels generating literal garbage and delivering it to strangers' mailboxes across the country.

What's inside? Well, the story goes like this. Little Tom Cantor has an unhappy childhood because his parents are Jewish and divorced, which, apparently, causes him to commit countless "sins." His particular sins are not delineated, but they are so bad that he is sent to military school at the age of 7. (Military school is something that Jewish parents threaten unruly children with, not someplace that Jews typically send children.) Poor Tom is immediately expelled from military school. Eventually he is arrested for stealing records at 15 and is sent to boarding school in Europe, where he continues to get arrested and expelled from school.

Then there's a lot of nonsense about how much he hates himself (ironic given how intensely self-centered and self-serving he is), which goes on until he meets a redemptive woman: a being so very pure that her undifferentiated pureness can save poor, damned Tom from a life of self-loathing. Hallelujah! His pattern of unchecked behavioral issues and self-abasement will magically end once he climbs into the matrimonial bed and cleanses his member in her pristine aperture! He's very certain of this. But then—tragedy. Someone rapes his immaculate woman before Tom can claim the healing power of her pussy. This is a huge catastrophe, not for the woman, whose psychological ordeal is not discussed (he clearly doesn't consider women to be real people), but for Tom, because his means of salvation has been sullied by this violent assault. The healthy virgin vagina is now, in his eyes, "defiled," just like him, and can no longer rescue him from the calamity of his own poor decision making abilities and lack of serotonin. Rather than supporting the love of his life with the reassurance that her victimization changes nothing for him, that she remains perfect and pure in his eyes, and that he will love her with all his might and honor her body and her experience, he continues on with the narrative that he, Tom, is the only real person in the world, and the only one whose feelings matter, and the only true victim of this crime.

Oh, no! How will Tom ever feel good about himself again? Simple. He will embrace one sentence out of the New Testament (never mind the rest of the book), making himself the absolute lamest Jew for Jesus in the history of the generally lame "Messianic Judaism" movement. Now he is "clean" and so is the redemptive hole! Hallelujah again! Except, the woman is pregnant and apparently nobody can feel truly clean with a rape baby around. So they give that baby up for adoption and then Tom keeps "his" secret for years, until genetic testing demonstrates that you can't actually sweep an entire human being under the rug. Hallelujah a third time, because Tom is finally "free" from his shameful secret, which, I guess, is that he is still an unmitigated piece of shit. Now it can finally be revealed that he's an antisemitic, misogynistic hypocrite. Thank goodness he doesn't have to keep that under wraps anymore.

This book is a fucking hate crime. Tom Cantor, far from believing that he's saved, should recognize that he's a gross excuse for a person. If there is a hell and anything like a sense of justice in the world, Tom Cantor will spend eternity completely alone and covered in feces.