Confessions of a Prairie Bitch: How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learned to Love Being Hated

Written by: Alison Arngrim

First line: The Los Angeles County Fair is probably not the first place you'd go if you were seeking to be forgiven of your sins, but I have a tendency to find strange things in strange places. 

Why you should read this book: If you were a kid in the '70s and '80s, you probably watched Little House on the Prairie and if you watched Little House on the Prairie, you probably hated that bitch, Nellie Oleson, and considered her the epitome of evil and deserving of any and all abuse heaped upon her by Laura and the show runners, but Nellie Oleson wasn't a real person; she was a conglomerate character brought to life by an earnest, clever, and dedicated child actress named Alison Arngrim, who spent her real life youth taking the lumps earned by a character she portrayed with such natural joy and intensity that people seemed to think Nellie was real and Alison didn't exist. This buoyant and fast-paced memoir tells all about what was going on behind the scenes of the popular, long-running show (Michael Landon never wore underwear, every adult in the cast and crew was drunk at all times, that wig was incredibly painful to wear, and the real bitch was the girl who played Mary) along with her own heart-wrenching stories of abuse and loss. Arngrin is candid and humorous, even when discussing the most painful memories, and illustrates how she managed to survive child stardom relatively unscathed and pivot into adult success in the entertainment industry without compromising her values and beliefs at all. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: Trigger warning for candid discussions of child sexual abuse/incest including a somewhat disconcerting confrontation with the abuser in adulthood. 

Cry for Me, Argentina: My Life as a Failed Child Star

Written by: Tamara Yajia

First line: I was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Why you should read this book: This is the type of wickedly funny writing where you feel bad that you can't stop laughing about the insane, unsavory, and sometimes abusive events of the author's recollections, but you still can't stop laughing at them. Young Yajia gets a taste of the spotlight after her wildly successful debut stripping in front of her religious school to Madonna's "Like a Prayer" and pursues it with a passion, almost tasting stardom, until her parents abruptly yank her away from her goals to live in America. She is honest about her family's foibles, her own failures, her sexuality, her struggle with addiction, and a hundred other weird personal details (like the time a cop accused her of soliciting but she countered that the gentleman fingering her in a parked car was, in fact, her own cousin, and then she paid the cop to leave her alone; or all the times her whole family--three generations, led by her grandmother--drove around the red light district to admire how beautiful all the sex workers were) that seem too crazy to be true, but they're marketing this book as a nonfiction memoir so....

Why you should read this book: If you are easily offended, especially by sex, and very particularly if you were easily offended by the end of the film Little Miss Sunshine, definitely this is not the book for you. 

Nana and Kaoru Volume 2

Written by: Ryuta Amazume

First line: The name's Sugimora Kaoru.

Why you should read this book: This sweet, exploratory, completely nonsexual BDSM fantasy story about two Japanese high school students fumbling their way through desire continues with Nana and Kaoru's secret relationship impacting their interactions in their school life, which then flows back into their "breathers." Several chapters comprise Nana's first spanking, and then there's a weird interlude with Tachi strongarming Kaoru into a scene after he and Nana miss their connection on New Year's Eve, and finally there's an absolutely massive storyline about Nana getting sick and needing a lot of help to insert a suppository. Meanwhile, Nana's friends are starting to question her relationship with Kaoru, Tachi is getting really jealous, and Kaoru struggles with his feelings of love, tenderness, and devotion to his sub, none of which seem dominant to him, all of which he's sure Nana would reject. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: It's a funny softcore BDSM fantasy manga about teenagers, so probably a lot of people just aren't going to vibe positively with this content, and they should just step away and go cry about obscenity somewhere else, because this page doesn't believe in literary censorship.

Girls with Slingshots Volume 2

Written by: Daniel Corsetto

First line: She slammed into Thea's life at a roller derby bout and it was love at first collision. 

Why you should read this book: Volume 2 contains the second 1000 comics of this complete series, and begins to focus more seriously on the issues that were hinted at in volume 1: that everybody needs to grow up sooner or later, or else they will end up very lonely and unfulfilled. While Jamie works out her situation with Erin, Hazel loses Zack because she doesn't want to take the responsibility for life that Zack is seeking in a romantic partner. Although it's still fun and funny, things get real, with other characters moving in more adult phases of their life, eventually prodding Hazel to start thinking about her past, and the events that led to her character formation and her assumptions about the world.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You don't see why you should have to change when the world could just accommodate your desire for great sex and a cool apartment. 

Girls with Slingshots Volume 1

Written by: Daniel Corsetto

First line: If you've read Girls with Slingshots, you know that the classy exterior of these books encases a collection of dick and fart jokes (although not enough of either IMO), stories featuring a potty-mouthed cactus, Clarice the dominatrix flinging a dildo at her coworker's head, Hazel counting used condoms in the trash can to recall a drunken one-night stand, the death and resurrection of a gassy, deranged cat, the physically impossible game of Strip Laser Tag, lesbian sex in the employee's break room, hangovers, STDs, and a lot of puking.

Why you should read this book: Volume one contains the first 1000 comics (plus some new bonus comics) of this complete web series about a group of friends navigating their twenties and questions of sex, love, employment, housing. Hazel Tellington and her best friend Jamie McJack, along with a huge cast of characters (including cats and talking houseplants) drink, love, learn, and do all the insane things that cartoon young adults can get away with. In this volume, Hazel begins her writing career and falls in love with a cabdriver named Zack, while Jamie unpacks her complicated sexuality and falls for the asexual Erin. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're judgy about drinking and promiscuity. 

The Willoughbys

Written by: Lois Lowry

First line: Once upon a time there was a family named Willoughby: an old-fashioned type of family, with four children.

Why you should read this book: Although you may have seen the animated film, the written version of this story about four children who ought to be orphans, given how incredibly terrible their parents are, is infinitely better (and contains a list of interesting vocabulary words and a bibliography of historical examples of the plucky orphan genre with which all well-read children should become familiar). Similar to the aesthetic of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, this book depends heavily on the conventions of "old-fashioned" literature, but offers a bit more clarity and joyousness, and a much happier ending, one where at least ten people's circumstances are improved by our plucky heroes' endeavors. Timothy, Barnaby A, Barnaby B, and Jane, abandoned by their criminally awful parents, must figure out new ways to live and to relate to each other and the world around them in order to move forward from their abusive upbringing, while actively hoping for their parents' actual deaths.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You've never one time read a children's book from the nineteenth or twentieth century about a plucky orphan, and you don't want to start now.

Plain Noodles

Written by: Betty Waterton and Joanne Fitzgerald

First line: One sunny day when it was neither spring nor summer, Captain Figg came whistling out of his lighthouse and nearly tripped over his wife.

Why you should read this book: Empty nester Mrs. Figg desperately misses her adult children, who have all run off to join the circus, so she is delighted the day that a rowboat containing a dozen babies and one toddler drifts to shore. She happily spends the day caring for the babies while the toddler "helps" and remembers how difficult little kids actually are. Happily, the children's mothers all return to collect their children so Captain and Mrs. Figg can enjoy their golden years in peace.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You think the secret to raising a lot of kids is to get them to take care of each other. 

Myth-Chief

Written by: Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye

First line: "I still think this is a bad idea," my attractive administrative assistant said, as I reached for the door of the tent.

Why you should read this book: I was obsessed with this series about a young magician with more heart than talent in the '80s, but at some point it started to seem kind of silly and I think I missed the last 2 books of the original run, and didn't read any of the collaborations with Nye; however, this volume was on a table of free books at a sci-fi convention and is apparently one of the last things he did before his death, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Skeeve the Magnificent decides to come out of retirement and set up shop as a magical consultant for unsolvable problems, but the way he left his old crew and the way he comes back proves problematic for those he considers his friends. Soon, Skeeve and his old mentor Aahz are embroiled in a vicious and very silly contest involving ghosts, foxes, glitter, gold, romance, backstabbing, naming rights, character assassination, and a surprising amount of cake, to prove who is the best in the business.

Why you shouldn't read this book: If you aren't fairly conversant with the series and the world it's set in, this won't make very much sense. 

Leave Me Alone!

Written by: Vera Brosgol

First line: Once there was an old woman.

Why you should read this book: An old woman lives in a small house with a large family, and cannot seem to get a moment's peace to do her knitting without children interfering with the process. Winter is coming and her task is important, so she packs up and ventures through the land, looking for a little peace and quiet, but everywhere she goes, creatures seem determined to interfere with her work, even when she climbs onto the moon (where little green moon-men examine her with handheld scanners that go "beep boop"). Finally, the old woman finds an empty dimension where she can work alone, and the solitude of that strange place helps her appreciate the noise and commotion of her big family when she returns. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: If you found an empty dimension, you would never go back. 

Loki: A Bad God's Guide to Being Good

Written by: Louie Stowell

Why you should read this book: This book is basically Diary of a Wimpy Kid if Greg Heffley came by his sense of entitlement and superiority honestly, by virtue of being an actual god. Here we have Loki, Norse god of mischief, sentenced to one month on Earth in the powerless body of a little boy, told that he must earn his return back to Asgard through the doing of good deeds, or else face the eternal torment of snake poison dripping on his face. Having very few redeeming qualities, he spends the first thirty days of his imprisonment being horrible to everyone around him, including the other gods—Thor, Heimdall, and Hyrrokkin—who, for some reason, must experience the punishment of posing as his normal human family, and then, on the thirty-first day, he does one decent thing for one person who wouldn't have needed his help in the first place if his presence on Earth hadn't put her in mortal danger, and gets a temporary reprieve from Odin, on the condition that he stay on Earth and continue trying not to be horrible.

Why you shouldn't read this book: If you didn't love Diary of a Wimpy Kid you probably won't get much out of this book.

 

Stand Up, Yumi Chung!

Written by: Jessica Kim

First line: I should have known better than to think anyone would listen to me at the Korean beauty salon.

Why you should read this book: Yumi Chung's Korean immigrant parents will never understand her love of stand-up comedy, and they don't care that she isn't interested in earning an academic scholarship to a school where all the kids make fun of how she looks and how she smells; her mother sends her to cram school over her entire summer break, expecting her to improve her skills and score high enough to get free tuition. But shy, compliant Yumi has a secret now, because she accidentally started attending comedy camp with her favorite YouTube star when she was supposed to be studying in the library, and now everyone thinks she's a Japanese girl called Kay Nakamura who is pretty good at telling jokes, and she has to lie to absolutely everyone all summer. Will Yumi find a way to come clean before her cover's blown, will she launch her comedy career or bomb onstage, and will her parents ever understand her?

Why you shouldn't read this book: You missed out on the biggest opportunity of your childhood because you broke both legs.

Get Stand Up Yumi Chung here!

Blackflies

Written by: Robert Munsch and Jay Odjick

First line: Helen got up very early one morning, looked out the window, and said, "No snow!"

Why you should read this book: It's a tall tale (but not that tall, from what I've heard) about the insects in Alberta, Canada, and how unpleasant and annoying their presence makes the spring. Helen's family is carried off by said invertebrates, and Helen must arm herself with the most intense pesticides available to small children and rescue them from the woods. The illustrations are fun and will make most American children glad they're not Canadian.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You get itchy just thinking about large numbers of bugs.

The Little Girl Who Wanted To Be Big

Written by: Dave Engledow

First line: There once was a little girl who wanted to be big.

Why you should read this book: There's so much that you can't do when you're little—ride roller coasters, use the stove, drive a tractor—and this little girl wants them so much that she exercises and eats broccoli, to no avail. Her parents advise her to think big if she wants to do big things, and the book takes a fun turn as it illustrates the little girl getting bigger and bigger and taking on more and more of the world. The pictures are Photoshopped images of the author's own family, and children will enjoy seeing the little girl appear big enough to have a real impact on the world as her size gives her the opportunity to do everything she's ever wanted to do. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're a fully grown adult and you're still not big.

It Came in the Mail

Written by: Ben Clanton

First line: Liam loved to get mail.

Why you should read this book: Liam is disappointed on a daily basis because he never receives any mail, but has the realization that sending letters might be the answer. Rather than bother his family or friends, Liam chooses to write directly to his mailbox, requesting "something BIG," which arrives in the form of a delightful fire-breathing dragon. Delighted with his response, Liam continues sending similar letters until he is overwhelmed with amazing mail and must think of a solution to his new problem.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You only ever get bills. 

The Frog Prince Continued

Written by: Jon Scieszka and Steve Johnson 

First line: The princess kissed the frog. 

Why you should read this book: In the modern tradition of fractured fairy tales, this book examines, with increasing silliness, the meaning of the phrase "happily ever after" and the question of what comes after that. Feeling unloved and incompatible with his princess, who doesn't seem to accept any residual amphibious traits in her beloved, the Frog Prince sets off in search of a witch who can turn him back into a frog so he doesn't have to deal with the constant nagging and criticism. While there are no end of witches infesting this kingdom, they all seem to be engaged in tormenting other fairy tale characters and even the most useful of them can offer only a temporary transformation, leading our protagonist to reassess the importance of perfect harmony at home. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're desperately working to escape an abusive spouse. 

 

 

If I Ran the Circus

Written by: Dr. Seuss 

First line: "In all the whole town, the most wonderful spot/Is behind Sneelock's Store in the big vacant lot." 

Why you should read this book: Young Morris McGurk waxes poetic/fanciful about his plans for a vacant lot in his town, which, if he can just clear out the trash, will house the most remarkable circus ever conceived. Along with a large number of increasingly improbable animals, his plans hinge on the full participation of old man Sneelock, an amiable grandfatherly type who seems content to lean against the door jamb smoking a pipe, although McGurk's vision depends on Sneelock participating in wild stunts, training animals, and performing dangerous feats such as diving four-fifths of a mile into a fishbowl. McGurk has a big imagination but the implication seems to be that he has no follow-through and there's no indication that he's secured financial back for this project. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: Even for Seuss fans, this one is kind of phoned-in, derivative of other Seuss works, highly dependent on nonsense words to create easy rhymes, with no plot or conflict to speak of, other than the reader's relative certainty that Sneelock isn't going to participate on any level envisioned by the young narrator.

Never Grow Up

Written by: Jackie Chan with Zhu Mo 

First line: In 2016, I received an honorary Academy Award for my lifetime achievement in film. 

Why you should read this book: Smart but uncomplicated, fun but meaningful, this is the autobiography of Jackie Chan, martial artist, stuntman, actor, comedian, singer, kidult, everyman, and all around decent human being doing his absolute best and usually succeeding. Arguably the greatest stunt man of his time, almost certainly the most well-known, Chan shares the highlights of his life from his early years at home, through his decade in a strict martial arts boarding school, and following the highs and lows of his career and his personal life, including his hopes, fears, and most dangerous feats. While casting his story in an uplifting light, Chan manages to share both his strengths along with his flaws, pass judgement on mistakes he made as a younger man, and spread his overwhelmingly positive worldview and character with his fans and readers in an eminently readable and enjoyable format. 

Why you shouldn't read this book: Chan is forthcoming about his own foibles, including sexual mishaps, alcohol-fueled mistakes, and other youthful indiscretions. 

The Last Black Unicorn

Written by: Tiffany Haddish

First line: School was hard for me, for lots of reasons.

Why you should read this book: Pretty much everything that happens in the first three-quarters of this memoir is truly heartbreaking, but Haddish's comedic tendencies have a way of glossing over most of the horror of her life and forcing you to laugh at the worst things that have ever happened to her. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse are running themes in her story, and she still manages to report the events in such a way that the reader can't help but smile. From her mother's accident and subsequent brain injury, to her experience in foster care and her terrible relationship history, the story proceeds to build upon itself until Haddish's success as a professional comedian and actress seems not only well-deserved, but also inevitable.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You've had sex with Tiffany Haddish.

Upside Down: A Vampire Tale

Written by: Jess Smart Smiley

First line: AAUGH!

Why you should read this book: This is an incredibly silly graphic novel for young readers about a kid vampire, whose vampire parents send him to the dentist because he's rotted his sharp teeth eating too much candy, and a crabby witch, who accidentally destroys all witches in her quest to rule over all witches. There's a clueless scientist who has invented an immortality potion and there's a bunch of kid bats. It makes basically no sense, which will appeal to most nonsense-loving children.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You are not a nonsense-loving child.

Ramona and Beezus

Written by: Beverly Cleary

First line: Beatrice Quimby's biggest problem was her little sister Ramona.

Why you should read this book: I skipped over it when I reviewed all those other Beverly Clearly books last July because I couldn't get my hands on a copy, and someone just gave me one, and it's still a delightful piece of work, if only the slightest bit dated (a 2018 parents requiring a nine-year-old to leave the four-year-old to play in a sand pile with no supervision while the older child takes an art class would likely lead to CPS involvement, and what modern parent would simply drop their kids off at another child's house on the invitation of a pre-schooler?). Unlike the other other Ramona books, this story is mostly about Beezus, her exasperation with her sister's rambunctiousness, and her own sense of unease over realizing that she doesn't always love Ramona. While justice isn't exactly served in every case, and the world isn't always fair, sensible, gentle Beezus usually comes out on top, and learns to tolerate her sister.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're the person who calls CPS on the kid playing unsupervised in the sand pile.