Three-Martini Family Vacation: A Field Guide to Intrepid Parenting

Written by: Christie Mellor

First line: Raising children can be an incredibly time-consuming, often thankless pursuit, and although it is not without its rewards, we certainly could all use a little more time for ourselves.

Why you should read this book: With overt sarcasm, the author preaches to the choir in her castigation of overindulgent helicopter parenting, suggesting a return to intelligent limits on childish behavior and a refusal to hand children more power than their little minds can reasonably use. Targeting those adults who insist that every activity be child-friendly, that children be welcomed, regardless of behavior, into adult situations, that children's smallest whims be entertained at everyone else's expense, and that the child's world trumps any adult needs, this book offers a few sensible suggestions, couched in humorous garb, for reclaiming ones adulthood while teaching children not to whine, throw temper tantrums, or hijack the conversation when presented with unfamiliar foods or a few hours free from video technologies. Equally light-hearted and darkly ominous, this guide for those who need vacations from their children offers an interesting day trip far away from the world of juice boxes, baby sitters, and interrupted meals consisting of pizza, pasta, and white bread.

Why you shouldn't read this book: Your world revolves around your precious offspring's every whim, and you can't imagine why your miraculous progeny should be denied any little thing its heart desires.

Star Wars: Spaceships

Written by: Anonymous (for a good reason, I bet)

First line: Imperial Star Destroyer. This Spaceship is big and has smaller spaceships inside.

Why you should read this book: I am someone incredulous that this book exists. It's a baby board book detailing different spacecraft from the Star Wars universe, and the noises they make. It has shiny illustrations, sturdy pages for your infant to chew on, and very little relevance in terms of useful concepts that are typically included in such early learning material.

Why you shouldn't read this book: If you think this is appropriate reading material for your baby, you are an enormous geek, or George Lucas's personal yes man, or a slave to capitalism.

How Good Do We Have to Be?

Written by: Harold S. Kushner

First lines: I have been thinking about the ideas expressed in this book for a long time. Even as a child, I was bothered by the biblical story of the Garden of Eden. A God who punished people so severely for breaking one arbitrary rule was not a God I wanted to believe in, especially since the story seemed to suggest that Adam and Eve had no knowledge of what good and bad meant before they broke the rule.

Why you should read this book: Drawing on biblical stories, classic literature, personal anecdotes, and other sources, the acclaimed rabbi confronts the persistent Judeo-Christian belief that human beings ought to shoulder the massive burdens of shame and guilt for the crime of being imperfect. Reframing the events in the Garden of Eden allows him to cast the divine creator as a loving and accepting being who wants humanity to rise to a level of consciousness beyond that of mere animals, and the taint of original sin as no more than the human belief that there is not enough love to go around. Instead of wallowing in shame and condemnation, he argues, we must accept that we, and those around us, can never be perfect, and should not be expected to live up to an unattainable standard, but rather can only do our best, with the understanding that we only have to be as good as we can be.

Why you shouldn't read this book: Religious guilt got you where you are today.

The Treasure Bath

Created by: Dan Andreasen

Why you should check out this book: It's a wordless journey for young readers that begins with an eager preschooler helping his mother bake a cake, which results in his chocolate-covered self being deposited, against his will, into a warm, bubbly bath, where he takes an underwater journey, culminating in an eventual and unexpected scrubbing by a variety of helpful sea creature. At the end of the story, despite his reluctance, the boy is clean, clad in pajamas with his hair combed, and, of course, there is cake. A perfect story for dirty boys and for pre-readers eager to enjoy books on their own.

Why you shouldn't check out this book: You know how to read and you enjoy bathing yourself.

Winne the Pooh

Written by: A.A. Milne

First line: Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin.

Why you should read this book: These are the original adventures of everyone's favorite bear of Very Little Brain but Very Large Heart with a Very Great Love of Hunny, along with his friends Christopher Robin, Piglet, Owl, Kanga, Roo, Eeyore, Rabbit, and all of Rabbit's Friends and Relations. Included here are Pooh's early adventures as a raincloud, his unfortunate sojourn in Rabbit's doorway, his discoveries of Eeyore's tail, the fearsome Heffalump, and the elusive North Pole, and his Daring and Praiseworthy Rescue of Piglet. Gentle, humorous, and loving stories appropriate for people of all ages, which have stood the test of time, despite the creative meddling of certain massive multinational conglomerates intent on Commodifying Culture for the purpose of Printing Licensed Characters on Cheap Merchandise for Profit.

Why you shouldn't read this book: If you're looking for Tigger, you won't find him here. This is not that kind of story.

Oh, What a Busy Day!

Written by: Gyo Fujikawa

First line: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Why you should read this book: This high interest book for small children follows a group of multicultural kids through a busy day and a busy year, illustrating hundreds of ways for kids to play, eat, make friends, learn manners, and entertain themselves in every weather condition. Mixed in with the descriptions are bits of poetry, classic nursery rhymes, other tidbits of enduring oral tradition, a normalization of communal togetherness that transcends race, a combination of the fantastic and the mundane that forms the child's inner world, and a palpable joie de vivre that seems absent from kids who spend all their free time in the company of video technologies. Just a really great long-standing work for young people.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You already know what you are going to be when you grow up.

The Wind in the Willows

Written by: Kenneth Grahame

First line: The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring cleaning his little home.

Why you should read this book: Wisely deciding that spring cleaning is lame, the friendly and loyal Mole runs away from domestic responsibility and falls into company with the brave and gregarious Water Rat, who teaches him how to row a boat, pack a picnic basket, and plan a siege. Together, the two animals entertain themselves on the riverbank, along with the friendly Otter, the intelligent Badger, and the wholly irresponsible, shamefully boastful, criminally reckless, stupidly wealthy, and all around party guy, Mr. Toad. Whether they're getting lost in the Wild Wood, rescuing a baby otter with wanderlust, or defending their friend's home from stoats and weasels, these delightful characters continue to weave their spell of enchantment across the gulf of a century.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You are currently in jail on a hit and run charge.

Percy Jackson and the Olypians Book Two: The Sea of Monsters

Written by: Rick Riordan

First line: My nightmare started like this.

Why you should read this book: Miraculously, Percy Jackson has almost made it through seventh grade without being attacked by a monster or expelled from school, until the very end of the year, when a very peculiar dodgeball game goes very, very wrong. Teamed up once again with the clever Annabeth, and befriended by a loving but immature Cyclopes, Percy returns to Camp Half-Blood to find the once safe haven a threatening, and threatened, place. Now the three are off on another quest, one which may decide the fate of western civilization.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You've turned to the dark side.

Dave at Night

Written by: Gail Carson Levine

First line: From the start, I’ve always made trouble.

Why you should read this book: In a far cry from her fanciful princess stories, Levine recreates the grittier and more violent world of a boys’ orphanage in the roaring twenties, the place to which Dave Carom is sent after his father dies in a work-related accident and none of his relatives are willing to take in a known troublemaker. While the orphanage has its horrors, including lack of heat, an abusive, thieving headmaster, and a pack of food-stealing bullies, it also has a sense of camaraderie, as Dave finds all the boys his age look out for each other. By day he enjoys art lessons and plots to recover his stolen property; by night, he forges a secret new life, sneaking away from the home to rub shoulders with the gems of the Harlem Renaissance and an old Jewish gonif who knows a thing or two about getting the best of those with power.

Why you shouldn’t read this book: You don't feel that children should have property rights or any say in their environment.

This Strange New Feeling

Written by: Julius Lester

First line: Jakes Brown didn’t know what to think that July morning when he saw the young black man waiting for him by the toolshed.

Why you should read this book: Based on actual historical accounts and fleshed out by the hand of the storyteller, this book describes the heartbreak, difficulty, and triumphs of young lovers who are also slaves in the antebellum American south. Of the three stories, two have happy endings, and the happiness of those endings seems dependent on the characters’ understanding that there can be no peace for a black person without a strong drive to renounce the entire institution of slavery and make ones way to the north. No mere romance novel, this book discusses the love of two people for one another against a backdrop of rape, violence, degradation, and socially acceptable abuse.

Why you shouldn’t read this book: You don’t get why your neighbors keep begging you to take down that Confederate flag.