Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The Hostile Hospital

Written by: Lemony Snicket

First line: There are two reasons why a writer would end a sentence with the word "stop" written entirely in capital letters STOP.

Why you should read this book: Now fugitives wanted for the murder of Count Olaf, who is still very much alive and making their lives as dangerous as ever, the Baudelaire orphans find themselves camping out in the half-finished shell of a medical center in order to obtain access to a Library of Records. Somewhere among its countless files, there may be information on the children, their parents, and the fire that destroyed their lives, which could help them understand or escape their fate. As usual, the adults are clueless, the villains are heinous, and unfortunate event follows unfortunate event.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're scheduled to undergo an emergency cranioectomy.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Lucky Penny

Written by: Ananth Hirsh and Yuko Ota

First line: Hey, so.....you're fired.

Why you should read this book: After losing her job and her apartment in the same day, Penny has ample time to consider the possibility that she's cursed, especially since her new job involves working at the laundromat under a twelve-year-old manager and her new apartment is a storage unit that people keep trying to break into. In need of shower facilities, she inadvertently romances Walter, the guy at the front desk of the gym, until they're both completely confused as to the nature of their relationship and what they should expect from one another. With only her love of cheesy romance novels to guide her, can Penny navigate her feelings for Walt, her belief in her own bad luck, the punks outside the storage unit, an arm-wrestling champion, and, of course, the intensity of a friendly game of Dungeons and Dragons?

Why you shouldn't read this book: You're one of those people who's acted forty since they were twelve.

Traveling to Tondo: A Tale of the Nkundo of Zaire

Retold by: Verna Aardema and Will Hillenbrand

First line: One day in the town of Tonda, Bowane the civet cat met a beautiful feline he wanted for a wife.

Why you should read this book: Bowane the civet cat chooses his best friends—Embenga the pigeon, Nguma the python, and Ulu the tortoise—to serve as attendants for his destination wedding. However, after Bowane needs to stop and go back for his water dish, his friends seem to thing that any delay for any reason is perfectly acceptable. After spending several years waiting for a log to rot so that Ulu the tortoise can take the final steps into the village, Bowane learns that his beloved has long since given up waiting for him and chosen a more punctilious suitor.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You would wait forever.

White Jenna

Written by: Jane Yolen

First line: Then Great Alta looked down upon her messengers, those whom she had severed from her so that they might be bound more closely to her.

Why you should read this book: Accompanied by her warrior, her priestess, and their shadow sisters, Jenna sets out to warn the women of the hames of the impending war, but instead ends up passing five years in a single night in the cave of the fair folk, where the goddess provides her with her true mission. Emerging toward the end of the war to find many of her loved ones dead, Jenna races across the country to save the true king and do battle with the false one. Once again, story, legend, myth, song, and history come together to create a satisfying world that exists between here and fairy tale.

Why you shouldn't read this book: Your country, right or wrong.

Sister Light, Sister Dark

Written by: Jane Yolen

First line: And the prophet says a white babe with black eyes shall be born unto a virgin in the winter of the year.

Why you should read this book: Despite the unusual circumstance of her birth—three caretakers die on her before she's out of infancy—Jenna grows up strong among the women of Selden Hame, an isolated cult of warrior women who read from the Book of Light and call their dark sisters out of the mirror so that they are never alone in moonlight or firelight. But there is a threat from the world of men, a battle between two factions of those who would be king, and their war spills over in the matriarchal world of the hames. Jenna, with her small but growing band of followers, must navigate the violent changes in her culture while coming of age. Yolen takes the story beyond the scope of a mere novel by adding myth, legend, song, and (wildly inaccurate) historical versions of the story to show how humans create their own way even in the face of prophecy.

Why you should read this book: You expect children in your charge to follow instructions without question.

Easy to See Why

Written by: Fred Gwynne

First line: "A dog show!" said the little girl.

Why you should read this book: Convinced her dog has star power, a little girl spruces up her old mutt and takes him to the dog show. Along the way, she meets a variety of pet-owners, all convinced that their purebred creatures are destined to take the prize; not coincidentally, each of the competitor dogs looks exactly, and hilariously, like its owner. Of course, the little girl's mixed breed looks exactly like the judge, and the outcome is settled.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You take umbrage at the assertion that dogs and their owners begin to look alike.


Written by: Kevin Henkes

First line: Owen had a fuzzy yellow blanket.

Why you should read this book: Fuzzy, little Owen's primary love object, is a dirty, raggedy, and best-beloved blanket, which accompanies the young mouse everywhere. When nosy neighbor Mrs. Tweezers, decides Owen is too old for a blanky, she suggests his parents undertake a series of increasingly treacherous plans to deprive the child of his best friend. In the end, Owen's mother finds a solution that everyone—even persnickety Mrs. Tweezers—can happily live with.

Why you shouldn't read this book: If your neighbor ever tried to tell you how to raise your kid, you'd be building a higher fence and possibly seeking a restraining order.

Busy Toes

Written by: CW Bower and Fred Willingham

First line: Big toes/little toes.

Why you should read this book: A gorgeously illustrated concept book for young readers, here the body's most overlooked appendages take the stage. The full gamut of toe-based activities, from common (testing the temperature of water) to less common (wearing doll clothes) is represented in full color. Big fun for little kids, especially those obsessed with their feet.

Why you should read this book: Bare feet make you nauseous.

Boundless Grace

Written by: Mary Hoffman and Caroline Birch

First line: Grace lived with her ma and her nana and cat called Paw-Paw.

Why you should read this book: In the sequel to the popular Amazing Grace, a little girl who loves stories reconnects with an absentee father who lives far away. Grace doesn't remember her own father, except from Christmas and birthday cards, so when she is invited to stay with him in The Gambia, everything about her new family feels strange and different, and while she appreciates her half-siblings, she can't help but cast her father's new wife in the role of the wicked stepmother, just like in her beloved fairy tales. Soon enough, Grace is wearing African clothes, eating African food, and learning that family are what you make of them.

Why you shouldn't read this book: You have incontrovertible evidence that your stepmother is trying to poison you.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Vile Village

Written by: Lemony Snicket

First line: No matter who you are, no matter where you live, and no matter how mnay people are chasing you, what you don't read is often as important as what you do read.

Why you should read this book: In one of the worst possibly applications of the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child," the Baudelaire orphans are taken in by a mob of torch-wielding, crow-worshiping idiots who know nothing about raising children except that you can use them to do your chores. With the scant help of a skittish handyman, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny follow a series of clues leading them to their friends the Quagmires, and accomplish other remarkable feats, such as perfecting a self-sustaining flying mobile home and breaking out of prison using only a pitcher of water, a loaf of bread, and a wooden bench carved from a single piece of wood. Unfortunate things happen; there is no happy ending in sight.

Why you shouldn't read this book: Granted I'm not 12 years old, but I figured out both the secret code and the book's ending many chapters before they were revealed in the story.